i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
