mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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