a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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