Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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