Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
