I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
