dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
