I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
