Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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