Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
