Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
