Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
