sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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