but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
