I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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