I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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