I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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