you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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