chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
