so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
