Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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