I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
