Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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