I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
