If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
