and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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