I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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