If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?