Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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