Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
