I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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