Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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