I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
