Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
