I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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