You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
