I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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