i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
