I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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