his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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