oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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