I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
