All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
soo... how was my night?
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