What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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