just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
