you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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