do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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