So drunk its hurt
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
