hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
