If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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