he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
