i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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