Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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